A reader wrote in recently with an excellent question: how to get to convince the man (or men) in your life to take skin care seriously? Here are this woman’s comments:

My boyfriend has very fair skin along with mild acne. He is in his mid-30’s, already showing signs of aging and has developed persistent redness around his nose. He uses soap in the shower and has tried a few benzoyl peroxide products for blemishes, but that’s it—and I can’t get him to follow a routine consistently.

OK, so we’re off to a good start, and her observations are similar to what many women likely notice about their boyfriend or husband’s skin. But here’s the part that got my attention:

Not to be superficial, but I do not find this attractive, and my attention is drawn towards it whenever I see him. I also know how self-conscious I feel when people comment about what’s wrong with my skin.

I absolutely understand where she’s coming from, as you’ll see from my response below. Now to her questions:

What type of “guy friendly” skin care could I recommend to him? And, more importantly, how should I bring this topic up with him?

I responded with these musings and advice:

You can’t even get guys to pick up their clothes, shut cabinets, or put the toilet seat down–taking care of their skin is even further off their radar (and I know there are exceptions to this but as a rule, and given I’ve been married four times and have dated quite a bit over the years I can attest to this fully).

And do not feel guilty that your un-groomed boyfriend is becoming unattractive to you. Red noses, sun-damaged skin, unruly eyebrows, and who knows what else men don’t pay attention to is distracting as it would be in the reverse for an un-groomed woman for a man. Men aren’t drooling over Kathy Bates as opposed to Eva Mendes! And famous men that women typically find attractive (such as George Clooney or Brad Pitt) are clearly doing something right when it comes to skin care! Their visual appeal would surely decrease if they were ignoring what your boyfriend seems OK living with.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend has rosacea and severe sun damage (both not uncommon for men or women with fair skin who’ve been remiss about sun protection). Benzoyl peroxide is the wrong product for him to use. He should be using a gentle cleanser, gentle toner after shaving with a non-irritating shave foam or gel, and following with a BHA lotion (1% to start). He should probably also see a physician for a prescription rosacea medication because for men the red nose is only going to get worse and potentially lumpy ala W.C. Fields (the classic example of rosacea, NOT excessive drinking).

How to get him to do this? Be honest and direct. Tell him you don’t find his lack of grooming and the results attractive. His response will tell you if he cares about what you think. If he wants to change, help him and buy some of my products to start and make an appointment for him with a good dermatologist. If he resists and is willing to accept that his physical appearance is becoming less enticing to you, that’s all you can do without becoming a nag. What you do from there is up to you.

Hi Paula!

I’ve never written to a company before regarding their products, but I feel compelled to do so with Paula’s Choice! Throughout my life, I’ve struggled with mild acne and oily skin that can be super-dry in certain areas. I’ve tried it all – Proactiv, Murad, Clinique, Philosophy, prescription topicals, antibiotics, Eucerin, Neutrogena; you name it. I decided to try Paula’s Choice on a whim, ordered a bunch of samples, and am loving it. Your products are state-of-the-art, made with some of the finest ingredients out there, including antioxidants, and non-irritating. I no longer feel like I need to dry out my skin with harsh products to get it to clear up; with your products, my skin is the healthiest, most hydrated and most balanced it has ever, ever been. THANK YOU SO MUCH! You also operate on a wonderful business model. I love the fact that you sell samples and provide honest reviews of products other than your own. My favorite products of yours are: any of your cleansers, Healthy Skin Refreshing Toner, Skin Balancing Moisture Gel, and 2% BHA Lotion. I’m so glad I’ve found your products; no more searching, no more wasting money on awful products–just clear, soft, healthy skin! I actually look forward to my skin care regime every AM and PM! You are the best.

Thanks again so very much,
Jodi

Dear Jodi,
What a great letter to start the week with! Thank you very much for taking the time to share your Paula’s Choice experience with us. Paula is thrilled to know your skin is in such great shape now. Testimonials like yours are a key reason Paula and her Product Development team strive to offer our customers the best products possible. It is incredibly gratifying to know that we’re succeeding and making people excited about skin care without false claims.

Thanks again for your comments,
Bryan Barron

I receive several emails per week from Beautypedia subscribers. Most of these messages concern products we’ve reviewed on the site, which is to be expected. The gratifying news is that most of our subscribers find value in our reviews and end up telling us that they have finally found products that work really well for them. But every now and then an email arrives that makes me wonder how emotionally attached some people are to the products they use. One arrived recently: a subscriber asked about a cleanser and moisturizer from a well-known spa brand that she was using. Both products received an unhappy face because they contained irritating fragrant plant oils that aren’t helpful for skin. The woman still asked if the products were any good or not. No, they’re not—and the “why” is right there in the review!

After thinking about her message a bit more, the subtext became clear: despite our review, she simply liked the products and wanted validation. She stated that the cleanser felt good and removed her makeup, while the moisturizer had a texture that she really likes. My response was that yes, the cleanser is capable of doing what you expect, but so can many other cleansers that don’t expose skin to fragrant irritants and also cost a lot less. As for the moisturizer, a great texture can be created from basic ingredients (such as thickening agents and emulsifiers); that doesn’t make it a state-of-the-art product or make it capable of performing as claimed or worth the price.

The frustration is that this well-intentioned subscriber wanted to know why the products work well for her since we wrote that they were problematic. I reminded her that unless we had information to the contrary we wouldn’t know smoking was problematic until a long time after we began the habit.

I was encouraged that this woman was willing to change products, but could also tell she really didn’t want to. I wasn’t sure what to tell her other than to experiment with cleansers and moisturizers we rate highly and see if she notices a difference (she certainly could find some less expensive options—the duo she was using cost over $60). I hope she takes my advice and keeps in mind that just because a product doesn’t seem to be visibly irritating skin, it may very well be doing just that if it contains ingredients known to be irritating. No one should have to tolerate irritation when the offending ingredients offer no benefit for skin (they may smell good, but that’s not a wise way to choose skin-care products).